Sitting in a car in Asia has, on the whole, proved interesting for me and whilst it has not always been the most relaxing affair, it has offered me a story or two to impart to others. Whether it be the log jam that is an intersection in Manilla rush hour or the 155mph early morning run to Kuala Lumpur in the dark or desperately attempting to talk for sixty scary minutes to my non-English speaking Taiwanese driver to keep him from falling asleep, Asia has never disappointed. However, whilst I have grown to really enjoy the country and the people here, the last five days in China have done much to make me grip the seat extra tightly with both buttocks and to draw short breath through gritted teeth on more occasions than I can count on my four children's fingers and toes.
Driving in a Chinese city is a complex task and is not for the faint hearted. Being a passenger is equally concerning until you work out how to play the game. It is a little like playing rock, paper, scissors. In the city game car beats scooter, truck beats car but car and truck and scooter all beat cyclist and pedestrian. In fact the latter two categories should be considered inconsequential as far as this game is concerned and the game should not be slowed by the presence of these aforementioned non-motorised objects. For all intents and purposes cyclists and pedestrians have been shrouded in Potter-esque invisibility cloaks so as not to distract from the game. The only time that they are not invisible is, no wait, they are ALWAYS invisible. This is worth remembering if you are planning to walk anywhere in China.
There are then some general rules to apply to increase your chances of success in the game. Success in this game is winning. Winning is defined as reaching your destination uninjured and alive since every safe arrival generates a feeling of euphoria similar to that which I imagine winning the Champions League or the Monacco Grand Prix would instill.
The first rule of driving in China is that there ARE rules.
The second rule of driving in China is that if you like playing by the set rules then play another game.
The third rule is that it may look like a road, smell like a road and even feel like a road but do not under any circumstances assume that you know how to use it or more specifically do not assume that your expectations of how to use it aligns in any way with those around you.
The fourth rule is to be at one with your horn. Prioritise the use of this tool above all else. If you do not have the mental capacity to apply the brakes and honk your horn simultaneously then forget the brakes. THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR HONKING THE HORN.
The fifth rule is that if crossing multiple lanes of traffic to join the correct lane for the direction of intended travel is difficult then do not attempt it. Slowly pull into the oncoming traffic and proceed up the wrong side of the road. Do this with enough confidence and aplomb and it will look like this is allowed. If you move slowly enough then you can claim that you are stationary and that you are in fact parked at the side of the road. Cut diagonally across the next intersection to join the correct lane.
Rule six denotes that when turning across traffic at an intersection and there appears to be no traffic then check again, there ALWAYS is. There will be something sneeking up the inside from behind you to get ahead.
Rule seven, if you are waiting behind someone to turn across traffic at an intersection then sneek up their inside, it is imperative that you get ahead.
Rule eight is that when approaching a toll booth you should form an orderly single file line, then jump the line and form a double line, you are now a trend setter, a leader of fashion. When all around you have followed your lead, jump the double line and form a triple, you are the now Alexander McQueen of the queuing world and a fashion demi-god so now is the point to push for the chance to be omnipotent. The result is that you are all at the front of the line although it now impossible for you to squeeze into the toll booth itself.
Rule nine is that if you struggle to remember any of the rules then procure yourself a old vehicle with only three wheels as your mode of transport. Armed with this (preferably one that billows large amounts of black smokey exhaust) you can ignore any or all the rules of the road, either official or made up. This three wheeled relic will be your ticket to driving in any direction, along or across any road that you like. If you are entrepreneurial then convert an old motorbike into a trike and start your own courier service - good luck.
These nine rules may of course just be an incorrect interpretation of what I have observed and therefore their actual applicability cannot be guaranteed. Jumping to the wrong conclusion is easily done which I why I have not included that Policemen should always travel three-up on one small underpowered motorcycle or that the use of a patio umbrella is advisable when riding a bike in the rain, that small children should use litter bins as roadside urinals, et cetera, et cetera.
Perhaps then, should you be lucky enough to visit China, you should disregard the rules that I have listed above but remember the underlying key message. The message is this, everyone on the road is playing rock paper scissors. It should be a simple game but is extraordinarily complex and as such you, as a humble pedestrian, are not allowed to play. Assume that you are invisible at all times, remember that you are mortal and therefore BE CAREFUL.
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